How I took care of my mental health after dropping out of college

In March 2020, I was suffering from the aftermath of a bitter quarrel with a loved one and lockdown had begun in India, making it really difficult for me to cope with my depression and ADHD. I lost interest in day to day activities, and ate a lot of junk food trying to cope with my mood. I felt hopeless and helpless. I lost faith in myself. It was a miserable time which led up to a nervous breakdown. I was deeply affected by the rejection I faced from my loved one and felt his presence around me. I used to think he was near me while others kept telling me he was not real. I was obsessed with him and used to see him everywhere around me. I used to cry in public, feeling teary and empty. One day while crossing the road, I thought I saw my loved one and did not see the cars coming from the other side of the road. My sister held my hand and helped me cross the road and saved me from a potential accident. That was when I realised I was losing touch with reality. I was procrastinating, irritable and always feeling anxious. 

My sister told me I was hallucinating his presence and avoiding other external stimuli. It took time for me to accept that.

I consulted a psychiatrist during that time who suggested I take medications like  antipsychotics after I’d reported frequent hallucinations about the presence of a person, mostly visual hallucinations. My hallucinations would come often and chaotically. They disturbed my thought process and felt difficult to fathom. My doctor diagnosed me with psychosis along with attention deficit hyperactivity. 

Although I was very perturbed and agitated by it, slowly I accepted the fact that I had these disorders. I came to realise that it's okay to not be okay. 

With the medicines, I felt better but still the symptoms persisted to an extent. I sought the additional help of a counsellor who helped me a lot during this time. She patiently listened to my problems and set achievable goals for me that helped me cope with my mental health condition. 

When the lockdown ended, it was time for college to reopen. I was excited to begin my studies but slowly realized the rigidity of college rules made me aversive towards college life in general. I felt lonely and helpless in college, with no freedom for myself. I often felt hyperactive and left college early. I could not focus in my studies and got grades not upto the mark. The confined  condition in college for hours, the loneliness of not being able to talk to friends due to my depressed mood, everything added up to make college a terrible experience for me. Regularly attending classes was becoming worse day by day. I was irregular to classes.Finally, I decided to leave college in April 2023 to take care of my mental health first.

The decision was difficult to make, as pausing my studies deeply affected my educational achievement. I used to feel so depressed at times and blamed my decision of leaving college. This moment was difficult to deal with. I had my educational goals and aspirations and suddenly all seemed to pause. My parents didn't understand my decision fully and I was afraid of the label of “drop -out.” Hence I went onto lie about my decision to many friends. My writing and poetry helped me cope with the situation a lot. Whenever I would become anxious thinking about leaving my studies midway, I expressed my feelings in writing my heart. It felt calming. However, regret was there, until I slowly started to accept my decision and fully focused on my mental health and self care. 

After releasing myself from my responsibilities, I was able to focus 100% on becoming mentally healthy. In addition to the medications, I credit the majority of my healing with my regular yoga practice and Vipassana meditation techniques.

Yoga is a spiritual practice of exercises that promotes confidence, and peace. Practising yoga made me self aware, enhanced my mood and kept me in touch with my reality and body. I started yoga after my diagnosis and learned a few asanas which are body postures in Yoga. I felt calm practising Savasana, also called the corpse pose, because the lying down position resembles a corpse.This posture of yoga allows for providing clarity to the mind and enhances the energy of the body. It gives relaxation.

Meditation, exercise and self acceptance helped me to cope with my depression and psychosis and ADHD. Meditation helped me learn that my body is important, my mind is important, and my sensations are acceptable. I realised hyperactivity might occur, but I have to accept it. In June 2023, I admitted myself to an open university , with a more relaxed schedule, so that I get time for self care. I love my new school now. With the distance education system it becomes quite flexible to manage studies along with focusing on self care. My school has an assignment system and I enjoy doing the assignments sitting at home. There's no rigidity to attend classes regularly just the yearly exams need to be given at an assigned centre. This relaxed schedule seems quite fit for me as I get time to take care of myself, write and enjoy with friends and family. Overall I enjoy my new school and feel I have taken the right decision and made the correct choice. 

I am focusing on my studies now while writing stuff for catharsis  and I feel happier, and healthier than ever.