The REAL ADHD Conversation

If you're reading this I'm probably dead. 

It's 8:03AM on Tuesday, February 3. This is 2 or 3 days late.I was so excited when I had the opportunity to write about something that I actually have first hand lived for 37 years, I texted my mom. I really wish I hadn't told anybody because it probably would've been easier to just let myself down. I absolutely had every Intention of sitting down and doing this in a timely mannor, but I got sick for a couple days, got overwhelmed, and fucking moved on. And that, in a nutshell,  is the story of my life. My name is Ashlee Richardson, I am 37 years old and I am here to tell people how my brain works.

Quickly, my brain as a kid 

I'm going to do a quick background just because I think it's important, I am not here to waste your time I promise-I will keep it short.I started going to a psychiatrist around four years old for severe OCD.My memory is complete dog shit but I do remember putting the toilet seat down and up and down and up-being able to count to 300 by the time I was five years old for sure.  It was only because something told me if i didn’t do it, my parents were going to crash on their plane ride home from their vacation in Jamaica. I had a bunk bed with no bottom bunk ,and I would jump off of it 2 or 3 hundred  times until I felt the internal lock click, solidifying everyone's safety, like I had the power. I heard a voice telling me that if I didn't do it something bad was going to happen so I just did it, but it was a feeling with no voice. If you stop reading here, I get itttttt. I remember my parents moving my younger sister into my room when I was older thinking maybe it would help, and the direct effect of that was I am no longer embarrassed to touch things 300 times in front of people. The psychiatrist suggested a few things. I was tied to the bed,didn't last long. They put a clock radio next to me playing all night long-and as i type  I'm just realizing is probably why I really like 90s alternative rock so much. I did tapping exercises, I said things over and over, I prayed HARD,  I left notes proving that I already did things, But I honestly was wired and not tired and “it”felt like part of my personality . As I hit nine in 10 years old my hormones started to kick in, I got my period when I was 11. It was like a freaking switch went off- went from wicked bad OCD to insane anxiety/major depression/ADHD. Awesome fucking timing.

I switched schools a few times growing up which I think can contribute to your symptoms just because your stress level goes up. I also think it's important to note that I had  two suicides in my immediate family in my teens, my closest Aunt, Laura and my coolest Uncle, Tommy. Both of them were an antidepressants at the time that they killed themselves.Trust me I made a mental fucking note . The one thing that I had going for me in my head, my only confidence,  was I was really fucking smart for my age. They let me graduate a year early which was a big deal in 2005 anyways– I thought the ADHD was going to help me in college because it seemed to help me in high school-when it came to my grades anyways.

They’re trying to kill me……

If you are 16 years old with really bad ADHD/major depression/anxiety, you probably shouldn't go to college ‘yet’. Asking somebody with really “bad ADHD”-true ADHD-what they want to be when they grow up is like saying WHY DONT YOU JUST FUCK YOURSELF? I am really sorry. I wanna be a cop!I wanna save the world! I wanna be a pianist I wanna be a tornado chaser-I wanna be a fucking homicide detective and I want to be in the FBI.But I also seriously cannot get up and speak in front of a crowd or I will literally just stop making noise and I can't breathe it is wild. I spent $70,000 on an education that I didn't finish because of- wait for it- a speech class. I am not kidding-it took me seven years to get to the point where I couldn't finish because of a speech class. To  this day I try to go back and take that class, but they won't let me until I finish paying off my loans because of some technical bullshit. After self-medicating with alcohol,cigarettes and weed, I let them medicate me around 22 years old.I expressed to the doctor that I was worried because I had family members who had taken medicine and killed themselves,.The woman kindly said something like “don't worry sweetheart this is going to be completely different and it will help you sleep”– It was a cocktail mix of Lithium,Abilify, and Klonopin. Did you just fucking hear that?After less than 4 months of turning into a fucking zombie I took myself off of everything (by myself) and a few months later I went to a new Psychiatrist that did a four hour evaluation- and said “You need (fucking) Adderall! And Zoloft.” So I took the Adderall and I ran.

So Adderall is fun.I didn't even have to fight for the good stuff he gave me 30 XR and I was suddenly able to use the stuff in my brain. Two years of Adderall got me caught up in school -all the way until one day I went in to the psychiatrist for weekly blood pressure to make sure your medicine isn't screwing with you and my blood pressure was Hulk status oh shit level. She looked at me and said “Oh my God, how do you feel?”  I said “I feel like I wanna rip my face off!” Then she asked me If I was serious, and I said  “YEAH” and she proceeded to call the police. They came,  handcuffed me in the front and drove me to the hospital. They walked me through the waiting room into a room where they shoved an Ativan in my leg and tried to put me in a mental institution. I remember my parents coming in -my mom looking at me like there's no fucking way we are letting her go into a mental institution. HOW ABOUT  you guys just put me on meth for like three years and I need physical help? Not more fucking medicine! It is a good thing my mom is a nurse.Probably also a good thing we have a little bit of experience with mental health in the family.  Needless to say, I came off of that medicine on my own as well. I had no idea at the time that I was supposed to be “tapering”with any of this shit. This probably also explains why I couldnt finish school now that i’m looking back- my last semester was at this time and I remember writing my professors that my brain was fucked up from medicine and I couldnt be in class. There was no way in hell my nervous system was going to let me take a goddamn speech class- I was a puddle- a mental retard at this point. I dropped out. 

Since psychiatrists are SHIT, sorry, MINE recommended I try that zoloft. I am pretty sure this was the name of the bottle of pills on my Aunt Lauras kitchen counter the day she died- so to me this medicine was to me more of a FUCK IT situation. My cousin Court-my best friend (possibly only friend I’m not kidding) for the last 15 years came with me and I put myself in my Mimi’s little seasonal camp, took it for 8 days- started floating on the ceiling mentally and drooling physically- I wasnt moving or eating,  I was staring at the light of the  TV in a dark room. I remember thinking vividly what the fuck is the point of this place? This is such a waste of time– I called the doctor and they told me to stay on the medicine because it takes a few weeks to work. I couldn't get an appointment for over a month. I flushed all the pills down the toilet. Moving on. 

Fun Stuff

When I was flying on Adderall I joined the Red Cross and I was planning on going to Myanmar to start saving the world! But I needed money.I had worked in restaurants serving and bartending for like 10 years at this point-the last job I had quit was a serving job and it was supposed to be my last serving job ever- I remember looking at the restaurant thinking NEVER AGAIN at 25 years old. Courtney was working in a seasonal restaurant that was hopping and said I could make a bunch of money really quick before I left-so I walked in the door. That is the day I met my husband, Mike.

Sidenote, I was absolutely bisexual while I was in my ‘messing with medicine’phase. I was not looking for a husband, I was pretty sure I was gonna end up living with a chick- but I was never going to get married that was for sure.

This is how life works though I swear,I was just getting away from all of the labels and all of the medicine and shame of not being normal- I was going to have a purpose! But I just met the other half of me at a fucking bar interview are you kidding me? I remember calling Courtney after I left the interview saying that was absolutely the weirdest interaction I've ever had in my life and I just couldn't stop laughing. It just felt like I had known him forever. I'm not gonna do this to you, the smushy shit-but I will take the opportunity to remind you that  God is real. If I couldn't figure that out from getting through all those awful medicines- if I couldn't figure out that I was God that was helping me then-It was this guy's green green GREEN eyes that I knew somebody was paying attention and wanted to help me feel love. Wild shit. Courtney laughed when I called her and said “I've been trying to get you to come inside and meet him for like a year!” I thought she just wanted me to pick her up every day after work. 

I've been running the restaurant with him ever since-Which is very helpful if you have ADHD because you can do 45 things at once and it's actually beneficial. At the same time I am also in the process of learning about burnout because I can't keep up anymore. I have learned after four miscarriages That I have an MTHFR homozygous C677TG mutation-gene doctor says responsible for ADHD/major depression/Autism- also important to note that there is SEVERE methylation impairment with this gene mutation that HALF THE US POPULATION HAS AT LEAST ONE COPY OF- which means that MEDICINE WILL MAKE YOU WORSE. Dude, who can I sue first?  I have one beautiful daughter Bailey and all day every single day I thank God for her because I for the life of me cannot get pregnant again. 

Try to find a doctor that'll talk to you about Gene mutations and they will laugh at you. Covid was a blessing in my house and I know that that's crazy to say-I did not get vaccinated something just screamed in my head not to– but I did get bored and I did download X -and on my screen on the first day I found Gary Brecka. He is a biologist- a researcher- and  is the first person to ever talk about the mutation. You know what he said? Things like put your bare feet on the grass, hey get some fucking sun and also SLEEP MORE  and clean your fucking diet. Now I had accidentally let a doctor take my gallbladder-because they said it was diseased ( now i truly believe it was all the medicine toxicity backed up from my liver  FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK ) so I really had no idea how to eat.Everybody told me not to have any fat, watch the red meat, so I was fucking starving- but I was also fucking PUFFY INFLAMED AND INDECISIVE. Moving on.

I am currently finishing an online certificate to practice holistic nutrition- i am WIDE AWAKE AWARE that food affects my mood AND my body and I believe our current MAHA knows too. I won't be any more political than that. I have no idea what I'm going to do with the certificate- I literally am the biggest introvert I know, I can't talk small, it's literally not in me. I talk fast, I am intense ( no shit ) so I don't know if a ‘one on one’ coaching session with people is the answer. In college, one of my English teachers submitted one of my papers for a blah blah blah and it won- I wish I could remember what I wrote about. So maybe I can write that book I always thought i would write - if I can get my nutrition right maybe I can write a book that consists of awesome recipes- that gene mutation also makes me celiac HAHAHAHAHAA - I would like to share nutritional knowledge that has helped me get to where I am, concepts that have shaped my life, just helpful shit for people like me. I know those people  are out there. 

I also as of the last few weeks have given up changing my brain. I am never going to have a title. I am never going to have a label, a solid two word ish  purpose, and I do create really cool things in small spurts sometimes- I create ambiences at the restaurant, different forms of art, I LOVE cooking/baking,  and maybe one day I can have a giant farm and everyone can come and pick organic produce to take home that isn't sprayed with glyphosate and we can all live in circadian rhythm together.

I do not have a daily routine, I do not have a weekly goal - I let myself clean 6 rooms at one time while im cooking and writing a paper and my car has been running outside for  2 hours now i totally forgot I was going to get chicken legs for a broth I wanted to make before I SAT DOWN AND MADE MYSELF WRITE THIS- I am floating like a feather in the wind at this point- and even though I feel like I’m alone flying by  while everyone stays still, I think the inertia of it is the necessary force I need to lead me to where I belong. WHO THE FUCK KNOWS. :)